Helping People Grow – by James Martin Sandbrook

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Helping People grow!

Smallville – Lex Luther – Family.
Munchausen Syndrome – Factitious Disorder.

The Ronettes – Be My Baby.
The Beach Boys – I Know There’s An Answer.
Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons – Who Loves You.

Videos about Tokoroa, New Zealand,
That I have made.

A series of studies conducted by Campbell Perry and his colleagues provides another source of skepticism concerning trauma memories retrieved in therapy, especially when such memories are retrieved under hypnosis (Barnes 1982; Laurence and Perry 1983; Laurence et al. 1986, Labelle and Perry 1986; Labelle et al. 1990). In a typical study utilizing Orne’s “nocturnal paradigm” (1979), highly hypnotizable subjects were asked to choose a recent night during which they did not recall waking or dreaming. Subjects were then age-regressed to the night in question and given the suggestion that they were awakened by loud noises. Post-hypnotically, subjects were asked whether or not they had been awakened that night. Nearly half the subjects responded positively, thereby contradicting their pre-hypnotic memory claim to have slept through the night. Many of these subjects, moreover, remained certain that they had been awakened by loud noises even after the details of the experiment were revealed to them; several subjects even elaborated on the noises heard (claiming, for example, to have been awakened by crickets or by a car backfiring.

– – Shelly Park.

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These experiments aim to demonstrate that false memories–or, less oxymoronically, pseudomemories could be created when experimental subjects were given misleading information concerning an allegedly witnessed episode.
In a typical experiment, subjects were shown a series of slides depicting an event, such as a theft or a traffic accident. Following the slide presentation, subjects were given additional information concerning the event (in the form either of a written narrative or leading questions pertaining to the event).

The post-event information given to one group of subjects contained material that contradicted some details from the slides (for example, a stop sign that appeared in the slides might be described in the narrative or question as a yield sign). The post-event information provided to a second group of subjects (the control group) contained no such conflicting information.

After this reading or questioning, all subjects were given a forced-recognition test concerning what they saw in the slides.
In all of these experiments, misled subjects performed more poorly than control subjects on test questions concerning the critical items (such as the stop sign). Loftus et al. have interpreted this misinformation effect as evidence of the malleability of memory. Several others have since replicated these results (McCloskey and Zaragoza 1985; Belli 1989; Tversky and Tuchin 1989).

– Shelly Park.

Nuggets of Wisdom:

Everyone has problems, and learning to share them is essential. Hiding pain requires an enormous amount of energy; sharing it is liberating – C Simon.

Remember that facing our problems or fears does deal with them and does answer questions and helps us form answers for the future to come. It is the courageous hopeful heart that makes progress in life.

A Lot Of Problems In The World Would Disappear If We Would Talk To Each Other And Not About Each Other – Author Unknown.

For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.
– Sam Levenson.

Always believe. Always have hope. Before you even consider giving up, do for your own sake, try. Without hope there is only life. With hope we can live with the expectation of something better, something worthy and worth living for.

Not everyone alive is “Living”, they may be existing, but they are not “Living The Dream” that rests within their souls. They are just here on earth functioning, alive, and existing. You want a life that you will look back on happily when you are an old soul, then live the dreams you have within you now.

Your perception of me is a reflection of you.

Say what you need to say, do what you need to do, be who you need to be, and live the way you need to live for you.

Those who wish to transform the world must be able to transform themselves – K Heiden.

The best way to break a bad habit is to drop it – H S Yoder.

Self control is the ability to keep cool while somebody is making it hot for you – Anon.

One has to be courageous not to let oneself be carried along by the world’s march; one needs faith and will power to go cross-current – C Corretto.
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People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to
move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . . Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn, they bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

– Author Unknown.
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STOP-BERATING YOURSELF FOR OLD MISTAKES.

We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come. – Dudley Bengtson.
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An interview with the Jenden Family from New Zealand. They sold a business they worked for years to build to live their dream of traveling the United States in an RV as a family. Here is their story of how and why they did it! Their courage and love for their family is so inspiring. They are truly living their good story!
https://youtu.be/dIPdw0_DTAI
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Punishment and discipline sometimes feel the same to one on the receiving end! But the sharp difference can be seen in both the attitude and the goal of the one doing it. The attitude behind punishment is anger and indignation, and its goal is justice; the attitude behind discipline is love, and its goal is the benefit and development of the person. – Bob George.
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An amazing thing happens when you get honest with yourself and start doing what you love, what makes you happy. You stop wishing for the weekend. You stop merely looking forward to special events. You begin to live in each moment and you start feeling like a human being. You just ride the wave that is life, with this feeling of contentment and joy. You move fluidly, steadily, calm and grateful. A veil is lifted, and a whole new perspective is born. – Author Unknown.
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Bob Ross Painting.
https://youtu.be/kJFB6rH3z2A
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Once my friends, about 8 of us were told by our boss about sheep stuck deep in some blackberry bushes on a hillside.

This bush has many sharp thorns in it and it is easy to get tangled in it, or stuck fast. When we got there we found that the sheep was stuck solid. So in we went, cutting and slashing away at the blackberry bush to get the sheep out. We dragged the fighting sheep out and we were slashed and cut from the thorns. My arms were scratched, slashed, and bleeding from many places, and in some places thorns were embedded.
We led the sheep far away and then we stood between the sheep and the thorn bush in a line and to both sides of the sheep to try to stop her running back into the blackberry bush. Behind the sheep and on both sides of the sheep were the great open spaces. And with all our guidance and setting the sheep free, and showing the sheep the way to freedom, what did the sheep do with its new liberation!
The sheep charged at us full on and side stepped a couple of us like a great sportsperson and ran straight back into the tunnel it has made in the blackberry bush at full speed digging itself in deeper than before. We just stood there totally amazed, stunned and shocked at the total foolishness of the sheep and the fact that it was now buried so deep that it would take so much to get it out now. So we had to help it out once again.
Galatians Chapter 5, verse 1: Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again
Imagine the feeling God gets when He sees us go back to the old life after all His careful teaching and loving guidance. God spends years teaching us and guiding us and what do we do? Sometimes we think that it is comfortable just to do as we have always done – the trouble is what we have always done was what God is trying to lead us away from – the life of misery and sinfulness.
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This is what Jesus had to deal with, with the general public of that time. And today we have this same mentality over parties, party mates, misuse of alcohol and drugs, and sexual looseness.
God tries again and again to lead us away from this kind of foolish lifestyle and we jump in full on, head first, even after seeing the devastation and bloody carnage of car accidents by drunk and drugged drivers, in real life, or on the news, or in the newspaper. Even with all the evidence of marriage breakups, violence, blackouts, and so much more we still jump in full-on foolishly into the next party, the next event and sometime soon we are at another funeral, or talking of lost mates, and the ways that are fully accepted in a society which rules the world with acceptance of lust and drunkenness. Jesus wants to lead us from what is accepted, and what is human tradition and fantasy that is accepted by the masses.
God calls for us to be independent and different and together as an example for the world to see and want to follow.
We must ask ourself “Do we think for ourself, or do our mates do it for us?” We need to ask ourselves this. “Are we worried about letting mates down so we then go out with them and jump of the cliff with them, or will we follow the teachings of Jesus and live a life of control, genuine fun and acceptance.”
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Joshua Chapter 1, verse 9: Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
The sheep jumped back into the tunnel of hell and that is the example we shouldn’t follow.
If your mates have a date with death and carnage, you don’t have to hop in the car and ride with them. You do have a choice, the sensible choice of saying a big confident, “No!” And showing your “old mates” a good decent example that may just save their life in the future. Do the right thing and don’t let yourself down. The pain isn’t worth it.
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Psalm 48, verse 14: For this God is our God for ever and ever: he will be our guide even unto death.
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All the best from
James M Sandbrook.
March 29, 2012.

10. “Be afraid of me but love me.”
For toxic parents, an emotional attack is synonymous with love and attention. In such families, kids know how to find out what mood their parents are in by the sound of dropped keys or by the scrape of footsteps. Such children live in constant fear and apprehension. These types of toxic parents often get offended if their kind actions are treated with suspicion. They claim,”I’ve done everything for you
and you’re still so ungrateful.”

9. “You must deal with adult problems but you still have no rights.”
In toxic families, parents share their responsibility with their children. For example, a child believes that it’s specifically their bad behaviour that makes their father consume alcohol to calm himself down.
Later, children will get dragged into adult scandals. Teenagers will be forced to listen to their parents’ complaints, adjust to a “complicated situation,” put themselves in their parents’ shoes, help, tolerate, and console. Unfortunately, in these cases, children have no right to express their opinion.

8. “Be the best but don’t forget that you’re not special.”
Narcissistic parents expect their children to perform at the highest level. However, all of the child’s achievements are taken for granted. Disparaging comments can truly ruin the lives of children because it makes them grow up believing that they’re always a disappointment to their parents.

7. “Open up to me but don’t be surprised at ridicule.”
Toxic parents force their children to be sincere and sometimes even make them feel guilty if they don’t want to share their feelings. Later, that same information is used against their children. There are 2 ways this can happen:

Relatives, neighbours, and other people are all aware of whatever the child has shared with their parents. And the parents really don’t see anything wrong with that.
A child gives their parents an opportunity to scold them or to add sarcastic comments.

6. “You’re bad so don’t even try to become better.”
The lower a child’s self-esteem is, the easier it is to control them. Toxic parents discuss their child’s failures and flaws and, in most cases, they comment on their child’s appearance because it’s one of the touchiest subjects. If there are no “obvious flaws,” they just make them up.

Such parents instill an inferiority complex in their children and they don’t want to see their child try new things and succeed. Toxic people don’t want to have a successful child who demonstrates their willpower.

5. “Improve yourself and forget about your plans for the future.”
Parents want their children to succeed but they don’t care how they’re going to do it. For example, they can expect their child to build a successful career just as long as they never leave the house.
A narcissistic parent will get excited about their child’s achievements for only 2 reasons:
They enjoy boasting about their success so that others envy them.
Successful children guarantee a better life for the parents.
Sometimes parents just remind children that there’s a huge distance between them and their cherished goals.

4. “Follow my instructions but blame yourself if you fail.”
In this case, parents treat their child like an object: they make their own plans and expect their children to follow along. By the way, they don’t care about the consequences of having such total control all the time. If something goes wrong, it’s not their fault.

3. “Go away but don’t leave me alone.”
In healthy families, parents help their kids move out and live their own life. Toxic parents never want to let their children go but they always point out that the house, the money, and the food belongs to them. Any options or objections from the children is ignored in such cases.

What do such parents really want? They want their obedient children to stay by their side!

2. “Accept our help but stop exploiting us.”
These parents offer something that their children can actually do without but any refusal causes resentment. A child starts thinking, “My parents probably just want some company and want to feel needed.” So they accept the help, thank the parents, and offer something in return. But there’s no happy ending because the parents will always remind their children of that “favor” they did for them.

Kids turn into prisoners:
If they refuse their parents’ help. Children feel that it’s rude to decline a relative’s offer to help.
In case they accept their parents’ help. Children feel that they should be grateful to their parents for their support and must be ready to help at any moment.

1. “Trust me but always keep an eye out.”
Private life? Personal space? Neither exist for children of toxic parents.

If you try to restrict access to your personal territory, parents accuse you of distrust. Even your own apartment or house won’t protect a grown child since these types of parents just use emergency spare keys. And their children must always answer all the questions — “Why didn’t you wash that cup?” or “Why did you waste money on that rubbish?” Such parents have no respect for the lives and the
personal decisions of their children.

– Brightside.

Please don’t let that voice in your head deceive you, you are capable, and even though you may be struggling a bit, know that your value is not in what others see in you, it is in how you see yourself and what you do in your life that is worthy.

I have had many lonely times, and people treated me bad over and over again. But in that loneliness I found comfort, hope, happiness and above all I found me!

Consider this. If you are even feeling really down, rejected, ignored and lonely then the issue is in the way people are reacting to you, your life etc. Only a dysfunctional society cannot deal with people who have issues, they are bringing you down instead of offering hope and lifting you up.

If you react to loneliness or feeling let down by others in a new positive way then you will build and grow from how they have treated you, you will show yourself and others that their lack of knowledge of your true worth is a mistake by them and it is their lack of vision that denies them seeing how amazing you can truly be.
Be positive, be self encouraging, you will shine as you have never shined before. Get stubborn, boost that self talk, you are as worthy as anyone else alive, believe that because it is true.

Your best hope is in you, your best friend. Seek all that is good within you that can bring out the best in you. Refuse to listen to the negatives going on in your mind and refusing to hear them, and then replacing them with something strong, encouraging, good and true.

Reverse the curse of a toxic dysfunctional society that gave you confusions and loneliness, and realise that what you need is not in this society, so bring it out in you what you need by giving yourself positive talk, encouragement, and look back and see all the amazing things that you have done since childhood, and see how you have progressed and what you have completed, and then refuse the
negative talk in your head. Listen to your self talk, listen to what you say to yourself. Consider how you think of yourself, think of how much your life would change if you thought better of yourself and if you encouraged yourself.

Know that you are not to blame for feeling this way. You are a result of a toxic society, time to change that and be a positive light in the world by making a positive stand, seeing who you could be, looking back at your childhood and remembering what you thought of life of you, what dreams you had, because now is a good a time as any to make those dreams come true.

Dysfunctional societies build weak people with weak foundations below them, and when we became adults we can lack confidence, lack hope. This is not your fault.

But now from this point on you can make better more positive choices that will suit your needs, keep you healthy, keep your mind active, positive and filled with hope.
You can seek a better life, better friends by being yourself, the person, who you always wished was in your life helping you and encouraging you as you grew up. You have a place in the world, a good place, and your worth will come out in your change and courageous new confidence.

All the best from
James M Sandbrook.

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From Boys to Men.
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