We can blame ourselves for the abuse we received from other people/parents.

One of the problems with child abuse is that we can come to the belief, that as a victim, that we deserve the treatment that we are getting because our parents or adults are doing it to us, and it is all that we have ever known.

In the book David Copperfield as a lad gets a hiding from his step father and he assumes that it is his own fault yet he is innocent.

I remember the same feelings as a child when various adults were abusive to me. I thought that it must be me, “because all of them cannot be wrong” (my twisted logic as a child). I was told, respect your elders, do as you are told, etc. So I tried to make common sense of what was not common sense and I had no one to talk to about it so I just froze up inside and moved stumbling forward.

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In this situation the victim creates a form of emotional mixed up common sense or logic of the horror that is happening to them and they pretend that everything is alright and that life is normal. This is one of the reasons that so much child abuse in all of its various forms continues.

Plus for the victim there is shame, denial, trying to pretend to the world that his or her parents are good parents and that family life is normal and good etc. Putting on an act for the world, at school, in front of friends, and trying to be as normal as they all seem to be. The victim learns how to fake being alright and puts on that false smile while living a life of horror inside.

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When the child becomes a teenager and adult the person has coping issues, struggles with relationships (after all, this victim has not real idea how to love, be loved, or know what a normal relationship is). This is the ongoing tragedy of child abuse, and if left uncorrected a lifetime of sadness, coping issues, struggles, addictions etc.

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After child abuse one is completely unprepared for any other relationships other than the narcissist/victim relationship, because that is all that the victim has ever known in his or her life, so they assume the role of victim as an adult.

This is why their life is seen as such a failure and that they can be seen as “a problem”, mentally ill, weak, makes foolish choices, is seen as their own worst enemy.

Their marriages fail, relationships, romance, they struggle at work, and struggle with work relationships, they have addictions, medication, physical issues and are often depressed and have dark-moments etc.

We must remember that “Another persons “sickness” towards you is not your fault.”

Many people are abusers, and harsh in life to others, due to the inner-child within them being frightened and lashing out as an adult scared and fearful of being abused again.  They try to rationalize their bully behaviour as helping others, or doing what needs to be done, but deep inside they live with a hard past and fears that it may happen to them again if they are not showing the world how tough they are, and how they take control so that no one can take control of them ever again.

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Finding yourself is finding your inner-child, your innocence, who you were before others got to you and took away your future.

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It is never too late to be who and what you wanted to be as a innocent child. It takes time but hope, love and a new future is there for us all. Please don’t ever give up, and please make those hard choices to free yourself and even if in anxiety, do what you have to do to take those amazing first steps to healing, love and a new future.

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Rule 1:

Put the blame where is squarely lies, in the hands of the abuser. You, the victim, the child-adult, are completely 100 percent innocent and the rest of your life has been mental struggles etc due to how you were abused and your child-mind trying to make sense of it all, tries to make logic out of the horror, and tries accept it as a part of life.

Rule 2:

Please always completely remove yourself from the life of the abuser. Anything else is struggles, and healing takes much longer with the abuser around to reinforce control and fear, worries and anxieties etc.

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Please don’t ever accept the blame for what others have done to you. You are worthy, you are deserving, and you are special and talented in your own ways.

No one has the right to take away your individual character.

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All the best from
James M Sandbrook.
September 21, 2017.