When your People-Pleasing Pattern is activated, you may be attracted to people who are controlling, because they always seem to know what is best and are happy to lead the way. They may also be attracted to you because you will let them be in charge all the time. However, if you develop a love relationship with a person with a Controlling Pattern, there is a good chance that things will eventually go bad unless you both are working on yourselves. You are likely to get tired of your partner always getting their way. You may resent losing your autonomy and start withdrawing or become passive-aggressive.
For example, Lauren met a man, Walt, who was strong, confident, and in charge. Walt knew what he wanted, and Lauren was happy to go along because it pleased him, and this contributed to his really falling in love with her. They got married and everything went well for a few years. Then Lauren began to resent the fact that he made all the decisions in their lives. She wanted to begin a family and he wasn’t ready to have children yet. She tried to go along with Walt’s wishes, but this was such an important issue for her that eventually she became resentful. At first, she didn’t even realize this, she just started withdrawing from him emotionally. Then she began to forget to do the things he liked her to do. He started to get upset with her, but she couldn’t tell him what was really wrong because she was afraid of the confrontation. Their People-Pleasing/Controlling pairing had started out well, but it foundered because they were each stuck in their patterns.
When your People-Pleaser Pattern is Activated. If you have a Pleasing Pattern, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you always act compliant. It simply means that a part of you is compliant or pleasing. There may be other parts of you that feel and act differently. Furthermore, your pleasing part may be activated in certain situations but not in others. You may be compliant at work but not at home, or pleasing with men but not with women. For example, though Lauren seems to be pleasing pretty much everywhere, Joe is only pleasing with his wife. At work or with friends he can be quite assertive and autonomous.
Even when your pleasing part is activated, there may be other parts of you that feel other things. For example, while you are being pleasing, another part of you may be feeling ashamed of this, and eventually this part may speak up.
All the best from James Martin Sandbrook.
Monday, 6 June 2016, 5:05:44 AM.
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