When dealing with the narcissist you will always be put in your place by either a real issue, mistake or failing, or by something made up or implied by the narcissist, and yet the big failings of the narcissist (often much larger than yours at times) are never mentioned and you are given clear signs that if you did ever bring up one of the narcissist failings, faults or mistakes there will be hell to pay for you.
In fact the mental weakness of the narcissist is that they cannot face the truth about themselves, so cowardly they bully the people around them by refusing to let them be on equal grounds with them. They prefer to focus on other people’s failings and in their own minds see their successes and quickly pass away any failings and mistakes of their own to a bin that no one is ever allowed to bring out again.
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The narcissist either consciously or unconsciously sees you gaining confidence, growing in self belief, becoming more in control of your life, and this is what they fear the most. The narcissist can have failings (we all do, but they see failings as major shortcomings that will be noticed by others and will cause them to fall in grace from his or her life positions, job, etc) and these failings are not a comfortable subject for the narcissist so he or she will be ever-so-keen to point out your failings but deeply be upset and see it as a direct attack and put-down on their character if you mention theirs.
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The relationship is not balanced and is uncomfortable if one is a narcissist. Many narcissists believe that they have a right to take advantage of people who are not as intelligent as them (they assume that they have the upper hand mentally or that they are in their position due to their intelligence), or they must always be one up on people who they see as a threat.
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One common trick of the narcissist when they cannot pin anything on you is to make something up. One is also to say that he or she saw something that cannot be proved, or they gather someone (or more) to back them up on their lies (the friends think that their friend is right and they want to help out even if it is a lie). Another is to tell you not to do something, so you don’t, and a few days later or a week later this person will now give you a big telling off for not doing it (gaslighting). In this situation you can doubt what you originally heard (especially if they deny saying it) and you can doubt your own abilities to think etc. If you doubt yourself then are are easy to be manipulated.
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The way around this is to note that the person is a narcissist and from that day on take any attack carefully, and never to soak up emotionally (not let it emotionally affect you) what this person says to you. Just let it go.
This is the awakening. The day that you discover that this person (mother, father, husband, wife, boss, pastor etc) has issues that are not your fault and not your issue. If they rant and you reply in defense they pound you, so do nothing or walk away.
I have done this, just got up and walked out of the room leaving the person who upset having their fit – you see, if I cannot defend myself or be allowed equal time to have my say or to talk then there is no reason for me being there. So I quietly and peacefully remove myself from the situation where someone is attempting to be abusive to me.
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Sometimes I just sit quiet knowing that this person needs to vent due to this person’s issues, not my issues. I feel sorry for this person, especially because I feel no need to insult them or to put them down, but through insecurity and lack of confidence (even fear) they believe that they must attack my character, yet I have done them no wrong, I am just being me.
Insulting the other person makes me feel bad, and that being like this is being a bully (not my character). But this person sees insulting me and making false accusations as something they want to do, that they need to do, and that they should do. You can see from this who really has the issues and the problems, and it is not the person being abused.
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The sooner the rant is over the sooner you can move on. Don’t admit fault, because that is not respecting yourself, but just let them get it off their chest – narcissism is a mental illness and they need help, they need to vent for whatever reasons, real or imagined. But like the alcoholic, until he or she recognizes that they have a mental illness/issue then he or she is going to stay like this. And if they are like this don’t let it get you down, move on to more positive subjects and do what it is that you need to do in life to live your own life.
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Most of all, “believe in you”. Know beyond all doubt that if you have self confidence issues it is because of the narcissists in your life, it is not because of you. You are the innocent party who was emotionally abused and driven to believing so little in yourself as an adult. Please don’t, for your own sake, allow people to emotionally get to you. Rise above their issues and be the major force in your own life, do your thing regardless of the ravings of the narcissist.
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All the best from
James Martin Sandbrook.
December, 2018.
December, 2018.
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