Narcissists are insecure and struggle with life.
This is one of the reasons that they rant and rave when things go wrong. Some treat themselves in their own mind as martyrs (someone giving their life and time for others, sacrificing for all etc – this boosts their ego and self importance and helps them feel that their sometimes or often bully (insulting, disrespectful etc) behaviour is needed to get the job done or to help the cause, people, or even to help the people they bully – it is all part of the make-believe world that the narcissist lives in, in their own minds, their Belief System) and they feel that if the family or business didn’t have them then it would all collapse, and so in their mind everyone needs the needs them.
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Narcissist fit very snugly in the materialistic work because they make forceful bosses, managers etc, people who will forcibly push the way for the company. Many of the rich and famous people we are told to admire and copy are or were narcissist’s. They are often approved because of their ability to make lots of money for a company and get things done without sympathetic kind feelings. Kindness in the materialistic world can cost money, where apathy gets the business job done and makes money.
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The narcissist can choose the kindest nicest meek person around them to vent to and to tell off on a regular basis. They know that the meek person won’t attack back in general and will take the abuse. If the nice person does defend themself the narcissist knows from past experience that he or she can overcome all arguments through loud, forceful, demanding and pushy behaviour of which the meek person prefers to avoid and mostly gives in to.
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The saddest part is that the kind person who the narcissist will eventually drive away is the only person who can help the narcissist change into a better person. The narcissist does not realize that the meek person is an example of a kinder, quiet, gentle loving world, someone who knows real love and can bring much happiness to the narcissist’s life.
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You see the narcissist’s tend to see kindness as a weakness and they don’t want to be weak so they reject meekness and kindness unless it helps them get what they want in some way for a short period of time. Narcissist’s are excellent actresses’s and actors, and they adapt to every situation with a different face to create good will and friendship in the public’s eye (unless you get in their way) and they overrule those close to them, especially the kindness meekest person they know, often family. They are like a chameleon who can change its colours to suit the environment that they are in. The narcissist adapts very cleverly and seductively and that is why thy are often liked in general public but at home are the opposite. They only declare their true self to those who they abuse, often family or those under their power in a work place.
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In the work place the narcissist will pick n the quietest meek person, or each new person when they come to the job because they are unsure of themselves in the new environment and are feeling insecure in the new job. So the narcissist attacks them when they are feeling overwhelmed and insecure. But once the victim gets a good foothold in the job and confidence sets in the narcissist backs off looking for the next new person to boost the narcissist’s ego once again. The narcissist will pick on the person for as long as he or she can get away with it.
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Things happen that are out of the narcissist’s control and he or she will freak out at someone for the smallest of things. The narcissist is often upset about something else, but he or she will have a go at the person who the narcissist assumes is the weakest person and this helps keep the narcissist thinking that he or she is superior, a hero, a martyr and fills their ego (especially when they have just stuffed something up and the narcissist is really feeling insecure but refuses to believe it, so to point out others faults and mistakes makes the narcissist feel better and that others are weaker).
The thing is to let the narcissist vent at themselves, life, other things etc if she or he wants to, but don’t allow them to abuse you, shame you, put you down. Stand up for yourself strongly and let them know that you may be the nicest person in town, but that there are boundaries that you won’t let others cross to make you feel insecure, scared, unhappy, abused, unworthy etc.
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You are as worthy as anyone else of being happy and living a good life. So please do be strong for yourself. This sometimes uncomfortable effort to protect yourself from abuse (especially from someone you love like a family members, or from a overbearing boss etc), but your effort must come only from you. If someone steps in and saves you then in the future you will become the victim of yet another narcissist and the process is sadly repeated, you must stand up for yourself. Narcissists are everywhere. So you need to deal with the one in front of you right now to give you the confidence to deal with all the others that you come across in the future.
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Let them know that there are boundaries that you will not allow them to step over, and that you are doing the best that you can, and doing all that you can to make things work out. If your effort is good enough for you and not others then you need to deal with that.
If the narcissist will not accept your boundaries then that is their own problem.
Please don’t stoop to their level when dealing with them either, be firm, stick to the facts and believe in yourself. You deserve a good life, not a life being bullied by someone else.
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All the best from
James M Sandbrook.
February 7, 2017.