I know a man who was in a bad relationship with a woman.
She manipulated him and destroyed much of his life, and all through it he backed her up and defended her, they split up eventually in a very unhappy way. Because he never dealt with what happened with his ex and because he still has all the feelings, reactions, lessons and anger from the last relationship, he has taken it al into his new relationship.
Like all new relationships all looks good at the start. Everyone is smiling and the romance looks workable and that it is the best thing for him after such a bad relationship with his ex. But already signs are coming up that this new woman is manipulating him as well. She has taken over where the ex left off and is making her toxic mark in his life. And of course, he cannot see that she is doing anything wrong because he has pinned all his hopes and dreams on her. Unconsciously he is responding to all the buttons that she is pushing that his ex pushed in the past, and to him this feels every so good, and that everything will turn out right. He can see no wrong in her.
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In around 4 years or so all the work of this new woman will be obvious, they will split up an go their own ways, both bitter and angry. He will be in a new relationship and the new woman pushing the same buttons of the previous two. This is why people come to us moaning, “Why me, why do I always get the mean ones?” We are often fooled by the new exciting sex, the romantic evenings, the desire to be together all the time, but all that wears off and when the hard times come the same old feelings rise and before we know it we are in another toxic relationship fighting the same old fights.
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When we leave a bad relationship we need to deal with all that past toxic baggage before we jump into another relationship. We need to clear our soul of the old feelings, the bitterness, the unhappiness, the sadness etc.
Ron Holland spoke of “Anchors”. These are events that happen in one relationship that can come back as triggers for negative feelings and reactions in the new relationship. A new relationship will never survive with these old toxic anchors buried like mines in the soul ready to emerge when their triggers are set off.
Some people are very fortunate to have found someone who can help them who is in love with them, the ideal situation. A strong, mature soul who will not be easily offended and who will help their other half deal with the past, be prepared for the presence and cope for the future.
All the best from
James M Sandbrook.