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Reciprocity (social psychology)
In social psychology, reciprocity is a social norm of responding to a positive action with another positive action, rewarding kind actions. As a social construct, reciprocity means that in response to friendly actions, people are frequently much nicer and much more cooperative than predicted by the self-interest model; conversely, in response to hostile actions they are frequently much more nasty and even brutal. – From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
When someone gives another person a gift then he or she can feel obliged to give back a gift, or they would feel obliged to return the favour in some way etc.
We feel the natural desire (if we are a nice soul) to give discounts, lower our boundaries, provide favours, or concessions, because the gift giving or the nice thing that the person did softens our heart and we tend to let them get away with things because of the kind thing that they did for us.
You can feel indebted (owing gratitude for a service or favour) because someone gave you something for free and you feel that you must do something back for them, and we could start to stress that we should return the favour, and we may even go way overboard and give them far more than the original kind deed – Narcissist types count on that to get the very most out of us.
This can be a Narcissist trick to activate (Manipulate) your natural desire to pay back people in kind who are nice to you.
So if the Narcissist/Manipulator type knows that you are a nice soul then giving you a gift, being kind to you, doing something for your children or a family member, is a way that they can control your response and get what they want from you.
An example is men can buy gifts for a woman’s child/children to soften her heart, sleep with her, then dump her once the challenge is gone.
He sees the small expense as a way to get what he wants from a woman who probably would not want to sleep with him in the first place. But the gifts to the children, the kind things he says to them, he spends some time with the children, a gift for her, and he has it made.
Next thing she knows she is doing something that she didn’t want to do, but she shrug’s it off because the Narcissist was so nice to her and her children, so she lets it go.
By not regretting or recognizing how she was “played” she will easily be educed and Played again in the future.
Possibly she will get played often like this in the future, and she will always wonder why she always gets the bad guys, and is always used and abused.
I had a relation that would give me something, make a fuss about it and then ten minutes later ask me to do something that she knew that I didn’t want to do.
I would say, “No!” and then she would remind me of the nice thing that she did for me.
I would feel guilty and sometimes do what she wanted, other times I would still say, “No!” and sometimes she would try to make me feel guilty, “after all wasn’t she so nice to me and this is how I return her kindness”.
• Sometimes she would have a fit hoping that my mother or father would tell me off and demand that I do as she requested. Sometimes this worked for her
• Sometimes she would demand the gift back.
• And other times she would break it because if she didn’t get what she wanted from me and she was sure that I was not going to enjoy the gift she tried to bribe me with.
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The thing to do is to be thankful when someone is nice, but if they have any history with you or with others of wanting something in return or favours or has been known to you as a manipulator, to step back,
receive the gift/favour etc and go back to work or whatever you were doing.
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They may try to make you feel guilty, but from what you know about that person you will refuse to let guilt guide you, instead you will just smile and walk away knowing that you just killed a manipulators weapon, now that they
know that their little trick does not work with you anymore.
🕊
All the best from
James M Sandbrook.
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