Aproval Addiction.

James M Sandbrook

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Approval addiction is the need for validation from others

in order to feel "good enough" about ourselves.

If we cannot feel good about ourselves, our creative efforts, or our lives without hearing from those around us that we are indeed doing a good job, we are putting ourselves in a very powerless position.

* While most of us enjoy appreciation for our efforts, there is a huge difference between a healthy pleasure in compliments, and approval addiction. The first problem with an excessive need to be validated by those around us for everything we do, is that we are relying on something that is beyond our control to make us feel good. The only way that we can truly feel good about ourselves and our lives is to create our validation within ourselves.

* Another issue is that seeking approval from others will never fill the void that is created by a lack of self-approval, and this is where the addiction sets in. Because we are looking to other people to give us what we have failed to create within ourselves, we find that we cannot get enough. No matter how many times our loved ones tell us we are great, or how many compliments we receive, it is never enough, because we can't absorb what we are greedily seeking.

* The words of others can be like the icing on the cake of our solid sense of rightness in ourselves, but if we don't have that cake to start with, no amount of icing is going to do us much good. We have got to approve of ourselves first. If we can create a healthy self approval, then we will be able to accept both praise and criticism from others, without either being always hungry for more, or feeling shattered.

* Approval addiction is usually a long-held and deeply rooted problem, and often stems from a lack of approval in childhood. While it is good and healthy to understand and acknowledge the origin of the problem, it is not helpful to dwell on what we didn't have in the past. We need to make a conscious choice, as adults, to create what we need in the present.

- Amanda Harvey.

People-Pleasing Pattern.

Read over these statements to see if they apply to you under some circumstances:

° I try to be who someone wants me to be.

° I am afraid to rock the boat.

° It is hard for me to know what I want.

° I avoid speaking my mind.

° I find it easier to go along with what someone wants or with their opinion.

° I fantasize about a strong person taking over my life and making it work.

° It is hard for me to express my feelings when they are different from someone I’m close to.

° It is difficult for me to say No.

° I avoid getting angry.

° It is hard for me to take initiative.

° I try to be nice rather than expressing how I really feel.

° I want everyone to get along.

If these statements fit you in certain situations, you may have a People-Pleaser Pattern.

You don’t need to behave this way all the time. You may be pleasing only with certain people or in certain situations.

Personality patterns aren’t the same as personality types.

If you have this pattern, it doesn’t mean that you are always a People-Pleaser, just that a part of you is.

- Jay Earley, PH.D.

James M Sandbrook

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