Robot on a psychiatric couch: Doc, my intelligence may be artificial, but my problems are real.
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.
SIGNIFICANT OTHERS SPEAK OUT !!!
Recently the following undocumented error-codes were found.
MicroSoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so here they are:
WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger of lack of memory
WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet memorys low, uh oh Netscape found! PANIC!
WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong YET!
WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused, Microsofts
confused!
WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Borland Delphi found on the computer
system
WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware
& Windows, better Upgrade
WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened,
Devil Bill does though!
WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB, wipe un-needed
files OS/2 delete.
WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our Microsoft Programming
Developers
WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ? Darn it Suns Java found yet again,
Delete offending files
WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a
new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore, Upgrade, Upgrade,
Upgrade.
WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! IBM did it!
WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your
software. We are terribly sorry. Call our service staff, wait in que,
pay
big bucks, wait some more and we will get back to you!
WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error.
Next time you will get a penalty for that and we will shut down your
whole
system.
WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute.
WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code
at this time.
WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be
lost.
WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box.
The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automaticly be
closed
and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed.
Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next
errors will not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play
another game?
WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for
the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available
SIGNIFICANT OTHERS SPEAK OUT !!!
So you've found yourself attracted to a computer nerd. (Sorry techies; that IS what those of us that exist in the real world call you.) Spousal units and significant others (collectively referred to herein as "SO's") who have long endured the idiosyncrasies of their techie mates have banded together to provide the unsuspecting "future significant other" a peek at existence with: THE TECHIE. But first, a couple of disclaimers:
All persons and events portrayed in this article are real and any resemblance to actual people or incidents is entirely intentional. Techies portrayed herein are of the male variety but male SO's have confirmed that they experience the same phenomenon in relation to their female techies.
To properly co-exist with a techie, you must first understand three basic premises on which his view of the world is based:
1. There is a proper order in the universe. Computers come first; significant others somewhere thereafter.
2. Programmers, while reluctantly admitting (subsequent to intense pressure) that they are not God, are however, equal to God.
3. Computer illiterate people are complete morons.
These three premises result in techies having a drastically
different
way of thinking as compared to the average person. This unique
approach
to life will be exhibited on a daily basis in many subtle ways:
| TOPIC | WHAT YOU'RE THINKING | WHAT HE'S THINKING |
| Ideal Vacation | Tahiti Las Vegas | Computer Show Overseas |
| Shopping Trip | New wardrobe | Computer bookstore & parts |
| Eating Out | Chez Romantic | Vending machine at the office |
| Fun Weekend | Picnic in the mountains | Non-stop programming |
| 6 A.M. | Romantic sunrise | Late night of programming |
| People over for Dinner | Friends, Conversation | Victims to view latest software developments |
| Tax Time | Call an accountant | Order a tax package for IR |
| Looking at Stereo Equipment | Casual browsing | Select model, Close deal |
| Share Housework | 50/50 | Refrain from complaining that
Coca Cola isn't restocked |
| Spending more time with Children | Interactive Learning | Set up Toys next to the computer |
| Reason to cash out Investments | Child's Education | This years BMW's look good |
It is true that techies' rarely subscribe to GQ magazine but, in all
fairness, let's dispense with the slide-rule, taped glasses, white,
button-down
shirt stereotype. They no longer wear slide-rules; laptops are
in.
Taped glasses - well, ok, sometimes. White shirts have been replaced
by t-shirts and flowered Hawaiian atrocities. "Dressing up" for a
special occasion entails putting on jeans and a wrinkled shirt with a
collar.
If you happen to be domestically inclined, don't bother ironing shirts
(or if you're not, feeling guilty about NOT ironing them) because
pressed
shirts are simply not a priority in a Techie's life and neither he nor
any of his contemporaries will notice that the shirt he's wearing looks
like it's been trapped between his mattress and box springs for a
year.33
Material possessions are of vital importance to the techie. Of
paramount importance is: THE CAR.
The cost of this is directly proportional to the size of: THE
EGO.
There are two types of vehicles owned by techies: 1966 Station
wagons with deteriorating wood on the sides OR the most expensive
vehicle
income will allow. (Neither category would be caught dead,
however,
driving a car with a Mary Kay bumper sticker attached.)
Single techies can be identified by their dumpy apartments, frayed
clothing and impeccably maintained Ferraris.
Techie's with vehicles in the second category assemble their machines for the annual Testosterone 500. Grown men gather at an area race track, spend 90 percent of the day walking around bragging about their car to anyone who will listen and devote the balance of the time tearing around on a track hoping they won't kill themselves. What we are witnessing is NOT simply a car race, but rather a battle of the egos. This same group of techies has also mastered the art of maneuvering discussion of THE CAR into every conversation.
The home computer system is another source of competition. Our
family of four (techie, SO, 8 and 2 year old) is the proud owner of six
computers, seven monitors, three laser printers, two dot matrix
printers,
two scanners, two optical disk drives, a CD ROM drive, and four boxes
of
cables that "might come in handy someday". Most appalling of all
is that the 2 year old is limited to a 286 with an EGA!
HORRORS!
Special effort is made
to explain to visiting techies that we are in the process of upgrading
her system.
Other elaborate electronic devices run a close second to the "home
computer
competition". Techies must always have the latest and the best of
any electronic device on the market and they MUST be the first in their
group to own one. We have established true superiority with our
home
PBX phone system with the capacity to
handle 10 incoming lines( WinFax Pro), conference calls, 45 auto-dial
numbers and, best of all, music on hold. Oh, and our answering
machine
has voice mail capabilities, can receive fax transmissions and makes
dinner.
As you've probably already noticed, dating a techie has special
challenges
and rewards. Although your social hours are restricted to 11:00
p.m.
- 3:00 a.m., you do have the opportunity to meet other SO's who, like
you,
are hanging around the office waiting for "just one more
compile".
A techie's estimate of "15 more minutes" generally means they will
appear
an hour or two later having absolutely no clue that more than 15
minutes
has
passed.
If you do manage to convince your techie to take a vacation, plan on
his inspecting the computer system at every hotel, gas station,
restaurant,
car rental agency and airline. Expect him to make suggestions for
improvements to busboys, valets, maids and waiters, none of whom have
the
remotest interest in their establishment's computer system, much less
any
influence in this arena. Keep in mind also that no matter where
you
go, techies
will find each other. The first trip I, my sweetie and his
portable
computer took together was to Europe. I was one of the lucky few
to be dating a man who owned one of the first portable computers
manufactured,
which of course automatically entitled us to first class service
everywhere.
He no sooner had placed the computer on the airline tray table than six
fellow techies leaped to his side to discuss the merits of the
computer.
Personal
conversation with my traveling companion totalled ten minutes out of
a six hour flight.
Lunching with a group of techies is comparable to being dropped into a remote village in central Albania, with one major difference: Sign language is completely useless. They are speaking a foreign language and they are completely oblivious to this fact. My suggestion: Don't bother going. No one will notice that you were there anyway, including your techie.
Parties dominated by techies are truly exciting experiences.
Techies have never developed the art of smalltalk (their computers don't require this attribute) so don't expect to see a techie talking to a non-techie. If a techie was forced to bring his SO, he will feel obligated, however, to forego technical discussions for at least the first ten minutes.
If you are unfortunate enough to be an SO with a "real job", you will encounter additional difficulties. The techie cannot fathom anyone going to work earlier than 10:00 a.m. He will tell you to simply inform your boss that you won't be starting until then.
Techies are very well read. They devour books and articles on such exciting topics as memory management, VXD's and debugging but give them a book on relationships and watch the panic spread across their faces. Mention a couples workshop you think both of you should attend and watch those deadlines move up.
At some point in their relationship, the SO must reveal to the
techie
that a romantic holiday does not entail bringing along a portable
computer,
stacks of computer magazines and a trunkload of listings. They
will
be expected to spend an entire weekend without their computer! If
you make it through this traumatic
experience, a marriage or move-in-together proposal may be in the
air.
Expect any proposal to be very practical. Important issues such
as
what kind of dog you will get, how much money will be allotted to
ego-related
purchases, and how much space will be allocated for the special,
hands-off
place for his computers in
your future home must be settled before a techie will even consider a permanent relationship. (Critical tip: This allotted space will double in size within six months, often spewing out into other areas of your home if you have not planned ahead.) Your wedding date will be arranged around development conferences, COMDEX and technical crises.
If, at some point in your relationship, you decide to have children, you will have to fit baby-making in between compiles.
If you do manage to conceive, take a few photographs of your techie to tape over the baby's crib so your child will recognize your techie's face as well as his back.
On a personal level, the techie is very supportive of his
significant
other. When I decided to diet, my techie stood by me and agreed
to
diet with me; as long as he didn't have to give up Coca Cola and
Twinkies.
When I determined that I needed a new look, he promised not to laugh
when
I came back with a new hairdo and
agreed to unlimited funding for purchases made at lingerie shops.
The techie is also an accomplished gift-giver. Just last
month,
for my birthday, my techie gave me a Bug Zapper. (You know, one
of
those things that vaporizes the bugs flying around on your
patio.)
It seems he "heard me mention that we should get one." Guess he missed
the references to the diamond necklace and pearl
earrings. Last Christmas I was the proud recipient of a portable
toolkit -- it's a beaut.
Well, I'd better close now. I'm due for my 10:43 appointment
to
review the 1991 COMDEX floor plan with you-know-who. Never a dull
moment.....
/*******************************************************/
Biography: The author is married to a techie who denies
exhibiting
any of the aforementioned behavior and feigned ignorance when asked if
he noticed these characteristics in any of his fellow techies.
After the many asked the pet shop owner about the monkeys the pet shop owner said "The one on the left cost $500".
"Why so much?" asks the customer.
"Because this monkey cam program in Turbo Pascal."
The customer asks about the next monkey.
That one costs $1500 because it knows Delphi and Object Pascal and OOP.
The amazed customer then asks about the last monkey.
The pet store owner explains "That one costs $3000."
The stunned customer asks why?
The pet shop owner said "To be honest, I have never seen it do anything, but it calls itself a consultant."
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of
the
car and trying to trace
where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing
much about cars,
suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked
somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes
up with a suggestion,
"Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the
windows again, and maybe it will work!?"
A: Because it had a hard drive!
A: One.
But they'll swear up and down that it was
JUST as easy as it would be for a Mac user.
A: None, they just define darkness as an industry standard!"
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept
and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners.
You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would
constitute
an infringement of Microsoft's rights).
You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are
encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the
ingredients
of the dinner found on the package label, the
weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start.
The oven will calculate the time and heat and
cook the dinner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your
oven
must be restarted. This is a simple procedure.
Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
ms.nodarn.good/tryagain\again/again.darnit
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave
and
then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work,
contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger
than the dinner itself, having many useless
compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.
If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you
will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken
variety is currently produced. If you want another
variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really
don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all
you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of
their chicken dinners. Future releases will only
be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future
use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved
packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98.
However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission
to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer,
causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a
feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted
anyway.
How To Install Software: A 12-Step Program
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed
box
that explains
what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual.
This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
trouble-shooting the software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:
LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, silly!
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable.
Is it OK with you?
Choose one, and be honest:
+---------+ +-----------+
| YES
|
| OK |
+---------+ +-----------+
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and
whirring
for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what
in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular
structures,
so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an
entirely
new device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories,
sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them
with thousands of mysterious files with names like
"puree.exe,"
"fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS!
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.
If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, everything 'may' be all right!
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on
the
package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to
you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3
through
12.
And so that's the easy way to install software...
10. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
9. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
8. Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
7. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a messy trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
6. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
5. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment on his code!
3. Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
2. You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!