Letters to God

15-1-2007.

Well God here is a letter to you.

I sit here is great confusion. At first I thought that I was supposed to be a Pastor of a church. I am told from every direction except by my own family that I am not to be a Pastor. So is this true or what. I really would like some direct answer to this question.

Many things went wrong today. Why? Did I do something wrong? Where they just facts of life?

What about this marriage issue? I know that I am not ready for marriage. So this seems to show me that I will not be getting married until sometime in the far future, like in about 3 or 4 years time. I am not demanding marriage. I am sorry for many of the things that I may have said in the past about marriage as well, selfish things.

I still (I think) have doubts about woman’s ways or woman’s wiles as they are sometimes called. I know that to have a wife is to be total as a person or people, but I don’t feel very confident about a lot of this romance business anymore, I guess I never did, but this is somewhat different. I guess that I don’t trust myself with lovemaking as well. I don’t understand what is right or wrong although I do have a fair idea of this I still struggle with details. I want to do right, but I fear that I will do wrong in a selfish greedy moment.

I don’t want Grace or Jimmy to be taught anything by our Pastor or even by the rest of the members of the church. I will go back to the church if you want me to do so if I get some form of positive feeling that I must do so. Grace and Jimmy will not believe what it is that they will be told by The Pastor and the rest of them. I would like some way out. What can be done?

It seems very foolish of me to go back to the Pastors sermons or meetings or having anything to do with him. Everytime that I have gone back I have made a fool of myself, said something foolish and worthless and lost whatever footing I had managed to gain in around 6 months to a year, and then I have to start all over again. Once again setting myself up for another fall. The fall of man is probably his temper and arrogance etc. But to me it seems common sense and logical to wait for sometime in the future when Pastor  will not be at the church [left the church] and then try again. To repeat the same foolish actions over and over again just seems a silly and heartbreaking thing to do.

I keep saying stupid foolish things that get me into trouble, my pride still gets in the way and helps me say very stupid things that I cannot understand why I say them. I just want to kick myself and scream at myself for being so stupid in thought. If you can help me with sermons then why can’t you help me at times of great importance when I say such stupid things. I just don’t understand.

Why did I have to go to this church so early. Or was it never early, just my stupid comments and statements that blew it everytime. It is hard to feel that I am worth something to you God or to myself or to the world when I always blow the situation and know that it was me who did it because of my own foolishness.

I tried so hard and for so long to be humble and not do stupid things. But always as usual I blew it by doing something stupid. Each time it happens I am so amazed by my actions, I just want t kick myself.

I want to preach. I want to help people. I never wanted (as far as I can remember) the big money or the pot of gold. All I wanted was enough to get by reasonably comfortably on, to feed my children and pay our debts and have enough for fixing things and buying what we need and for some things that we may want. If I ever became rich my plan was to give plenty of it away to help people. I am getting to be an old man soon. I am already feeling my age. Can you fix my age so that I am young again? I have no idea, all I have is a hope that you could make me young to my wife. But I am a fat, grouchy old man. Soon to be in a wheel chair, and currently a cripple of sorts. I don’t complain of those things as they seem imminent.

To marry a young lady as a cripple, overweight and at my age seems pointless and seems to be a prison for her. I would be a man who wouldn’t be around when the children grew up, or at least I wouldn’t be able to play with them etc. Unless you could do something about my crippledness – but you see I don’t know if you will, I am sure that you can. But I have to be worthy, a good man, righteous and sinless.

I don’t feel the need to be a preacher. All I see is arrogance and foolishness in the physical churches here on Earth. Pride, arrogance, foolishness, the blind in mind leading the blind in mind. My heart aches for these people, but they are so stubborn and foolish. I doubt that these people would listen to reason or common sense, and to some degree I doubt that I can get through to them because of all the doctrine and poison put in their mind and hearts.

Maybe I am overreacting, but I do feel very strongly about these issues. Is there nothing that I can ask, or demand? I read that there is not anything that I can ask you God, all I can do is suffer the ways as it is without question. Is this really what it is all about, or can you not tell me that?

These are old issues that I have had with my own lack of understanding of what it is that you want me to believe and do.