Dealing With people

James M Sandbrook

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Advice when dealing with others

When I know that I am pointing out a mistake or something foolish that someone else’s has done I tend to make it look not so bad and even implicate me as being that foolish.

It takes the string and the edge off the other person's shame, hurt, feelings etc.

“Oh, yes I see what you did. Oh gosh, yes, I have done that myself. You shouldn't feel too bad we all do things like this from time to time, I just try to remember not to do that again.”

I spent a childhood of being told how foolish I was when I made a mistake and people pointing a finger at me and laughing.

It wasn’t until I was older that I realised that no one was perfect, we all make mistakes, and I also remembered how much it hurt me emotionally when people laughed at me and tried to bury me in shame and embarrassment. Remembering this, I try to recall those feelings and make sure that I don’t pass them on to others. I instead desire to take the shame away and the hurt, and then help the prson fix it all up.

When writing a letter/email/text to someone who has upset you a good idea can be to get out a pencil and paper and let all your feelings out on that paper, or record a video of you telling that person your feelings about them in your bad mood and what they did that upset you, and then immediately watch it and delete it, or just delete it.

In doing this your immediate reactions of anger and hurt are let out, and what remains is a far calmer version of you and your feelings about what happened and what was said. You can now reply as a more rational in control person, or wait a few days and then reply.

A hard thing to do when dealing with people who you know beyond doubt are wrong and it is about something that you are passionate about is to hear them out when you know that you are listening to something that is not right. If you interfere though the person talking will feel that you are not giving them a chance to explain themself.

If you really want the other person to learn from what you have to say then let them have their entire say, and do listen, you may learn something even though you think that you won’t.

The good thing is that the person talking will have said their piece, felt good about that, felt good that you gave them a chance to have their say (means that you respect what they think and have to say), and they will now be ready to hear what you have to say. There is always a very good chance that people will ‘see the light’ and ‘the penny will drop’ when they feel respected and have had their say first.

Even if they don’t agree at first, the seed is planted and sometime later on they may get it.

A person who is insulted, hurt by you emotionally, felt shamed by you and others, will not be a person who is willing to hear what advice you have to give, even if it is in their best interest.

This is a most important lesson. Many parents, teenagers, business people, spouses, get angry and attack the one they want to hear them in such a way that the other person feels insulted, shamed, hurt and they have no choice but to attack back and often when this happens all common sense, logic and reason go out the window and a full scale pointless emotionally damaging argument erupts.

Many of us during our childhood were not taught tact, and can become immature when emotionally upset.
As adults we need to learn how to be more tactful and not hurt other people’s feelings.
What is not important is our ego, what is important is getting whatever we want done, done the right way,t hat benefits us all.

Is there some truth is what that person is saying about me?
Years ago I read that if someone is criticizing you they may be right about something that they are saying about you and your character.

So it is wise to listen, let them have their say without being offended.

Try to see where they are coming from and why they came up with that idea of you in the first place - also it could be that they are pointing out something about you, a fault, that you have never noticed before about yourself that needs correcting to make your interaction with others and your life better.

Nothing will make you more respected, loved and treated fairly than apologizing.

People respect other people who apologize.

It is a sign that they care enough to apologize and that you are important in that person’s life..

Try not to react to “the person”, stay on topic no matter how tempting it is to get angry at the person and not hear their arguments.

You may one day be confronted publicly or at a meeting by someone who makes you angry, and when that happens you may attack instead of hearing what they have to say.

What I try to do is tell myself that everyone has something to say and even if they have done me wrong it may be something worthy of listening to, so listen.

Another point is that you may not want to listen to someone due to what they have done to you or what people have told you about that person, but if other people are telling you something different and good about this person, it pays to take another approach to that person and learn more about them, possibly in person to hear their views and side of the story , version of events etc.

Always realise that if certain people are reacting to you in a certain way over and over again, it could be you that is in the wrong.
It is so easy to assume that with numbers (have the masses ever been wrong) , whats seems like conclusive proof, what you thinks must be right from your own experiences of life, that you are right and the other person is daydreaming about the situation, and you can pity that person.

But if that person's evidence and story never changes, it may be that it is you that is wrong and have been wrong either partially or completely all along.
And you may feel that your friends, family and others are with you on this, well, they could be all wrong as well.

Communicate, or you will never know.

One day the Pastor and an American Pastor came to my door and said some not very nice things, such as that I was not praying or obeying the real God and they were. It was in this smug confrontation I got angry.

After quickly calming down I apologized to them, they thought I was apologizing for my views, so I had to explain that it was not right for me to lose my temper so I was apologizing for that, but I still held strong to my views of God.

It is all right to apologize for one thing and not another. In this case I truly regretted my losing my temper, as it is a character weakness most of the time.

All the best from

James M Sandbrook.

27-1-2021.