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Electricity Humour. How To Play Tennis! Computer Humour.
The Child and His Mother:
A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”
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Why was the archaeologist upset? His job was in ruins!
How did the witch know she was getting better ?
Because the doctor let her get out of bed for a spell !
How do witch children listen to stories ? Spellbound !
Why can you never swindle a snake? Because it's impossible to pull its leg!
What is the only true cure for dandruff? Baldness !
What should you buy if your hair falls out? A good vacuum cleaner!
Why did the doctor operate on the man who swallowed a pink biro ?
He had a cute-pen-inside-is !
What sort of fish would you find in a bird cage ? A perch !
What sort of fish would you find in a shoe? An Eel !
What sort of dance do fish do at parties ? The conga !
Where did the dog breeder keep his savings ? In bark-lays bank !
What did the overweight ballet dancer perform ? The dance of the sugar plump fairy !
Why is it easy to swindle a sheep? Because it is so easy to pull the wool over its eyes !
What do elves eat at parties ? Fairy cakes !
What did the carpenter go to the doctor ? He had a saw hand !
Why did the hen cross the road? To prove she wasn't chicken!
How do you stop a head cold going to your chest ?
Easy - tie a knot in your neck !
Why shouldn't you try to swim on a full stomach ?
Because it's easier to swim on a full swimming pool !
How do you know if your little brother is turning into a fridge ?
See if a little light come on whenever he opens his mouth !
What is the coldest part of the North Pole ? An explorer's noes !
What do computer operators eat for lunch ? Chips !
Why is that man standing in the sink ? He's a tap dancer !
Where do rabbits learn to fly ? In the Hare Force !
What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was some money in the kitty.
Einstein Had To Speak At An Important Science Conference
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond.
So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question.
The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer, and to prove this I am going to ask my driver to explain it to you."
===
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Tommy, what is the matter?" Little Tommy responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
The New Guy The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . ."
Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"
Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."
"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."
"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.
Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven! Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven! Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven! Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven? Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!
A mother had a hard time getting her son to go to school. He responded, "Nobody likes me at school. The teachers don't like me and the children don't either. The superintendent wants to transfer me, and the bus driver hates me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I just don't want to go to school." The mother insisted. "You've got to go. You're healthy, you've got a lot to learn. You're a leader. Besides you're forty-nine years old, and you are the principal. - Author Unknown.
There was a story of the school boy who had done no work whatever and was trying to pass an examination from a junior school to a more senior school. He found himself faced with questions, no one of which reminded him of anything; so he wrote across his answer book, "God knows, I don't," and as the examination was in December he finished off "Merry Christmas." His work was returned and the examiners marked "God passed; you didn't. Happy New Year!" - C. Northcote Parkinson.
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence.
"My father grows beans," said one girl.
"My mother cooks beans," said a boy.
A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
What do Shakespearean cat actors say on stage? Tabby, or not tabby!
What do you call a cat who does tricks? A magic kit
Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens? Because she wanted to mail a litter
Where did the kittens go on their class trip? To a mewseum
What kind of cars do cats drive? Catillacs
Why did the cat walk in the desert and think he was at the north pole?
Because he looked down and saw Sandy Claws
Where do cats live? Purr-sia or Paw-tugal
Yesterday, I heard a joke about decimals, but I didn’t get the point.
Hear about the cat who was a tennis fan? He had two brothers in the same racket.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick
Seven is odd. How do you make it even? Erase the “s”.
There are 3 kinds of mathematicians: those who can count and those who can not count.
What is the math student’s favorite animal? The graph.
What did the acorn say after it grew? “Gee-om-e-tree”.
How many sides are there to a circle? Two: inside and outside.
What did one math book say to the other? “I’ve got problems”.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Where do ants go to eat? At a restaurant!
Mosquitoes love math: they add to misery, take away from fun, divide attention & multiply rapidly.
A multiplication problem etched into a slab of stone is thought to be the first concrete example.
The first adding machines were so successful, they began to multiply.
===
Reaching the end of an extensive job interview, the HR person asked a young Engineer fresh out of college, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineering graduate said, "In the range of $100,000 - 125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a brand new BMW?"
The engineering graduate sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes annual free trip around the Sun.
Your future depends on your dreams, so go to sleep.
Work fascinates me. I can look at it for hours!
Arithmetic teachers really know how to make the little things count.
Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love, and got married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'
How may computers does it take to change a light bulb? None. People do that.
When were trigonometry tables used? “B. C.”, Before Calculators.
A person who counts on their fingers is a digital computer.
What do you call a smart ant? Elegant!
What do you call an ant who can't play the piano? Discordant!
What kind of ant is good at maths? An accountant!
How come if ants are always so busy they always get time to show up at picnics?
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment? Ten ants!
What do you call an ant who lives with your great uncle? Your great-ant!
Who was the most famous ant scientist? Albert Antstein!
What do you call a 100 year old ant? An antique!
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Log on - Adding a log to your wood stove
Log off - Don't add a log to your wood stove
Monitor - Keep an eye on the wood stove
Megahertz - When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morning
Floppy disk - What you get from piling too much wood into your wood
stove
Ram - The hydraulic machine that makes the wood splitter work
Drive - Getting home during most of the winter to your wood stove
Hard drive - Trying to get home during a heavy snow storm
Prompt - What you wish the mail was during the snow season
Enter - Come on in
Windows - What you must shut when the temperature hits 10 below
Screen - What is a must during black fly season
Chip - What you munch during a football games
Microchip - What's left in the bag when the normal chips are gone
Modem - What you did to your fields last July
Laptop - Where the grand kids sit
Keyboard - Where you're supposed to put the keys so the wife can find
them
Software - Plastic picnic utensils
Mouse - That furry creature the cat chases.
Mainframe - The part of the house that holds up the roof
Port - Where the commercial fishing boats dock
Random Access Memory - When you can't remember how much you
spent on the new games computer when wife asks about it
Who is the most famous French ant? Napoleant!
What is the biggest ant in the world? An elephant!
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone? An independant!
Where do ants go for their holidays? Frants!
What do you call an ant who skips school? A truant!
What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics? All sorts of antics!
What do you call a greedy ant? An anteater!
Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path? To trip up the ants!
What is even bigger than an elephant? A giant!
What do you call an ant in space? Cosmonants & Astronants!
What do you call an ant from overseas? Impartant!
What medicine would you give an ill ant? Antibiotics!
What is smaller than an ant's dinner? An ant's mouth!
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible"
Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion. I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
===
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.
After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson!" he says, "Someone has stolen our tent!"
- Author Unknown.
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What A Laugh!
Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become? A: Wet ...
What does a baby computer call his father? Data. ...
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar. ...
What is a computer's first sign of old age? An obvious lack of memory.
Q: What is the difference between a newspaper and a TV? A: Have you ever tried swatting a fly with a TV? ...
Q. What is an astronaut's favorite meal? A. Launch! ...
Q. What kind of poem can you write in outer space? A. Uni-verse! ...
Q. Why did the scientist disconnect his doorbell? A. He wanted to win a nobel prize. ...
Microsoft has broken Volkswagen's world record: Volkswagen only made 22 million
bugs!
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Archaeologist: Someone whose career lies in ruins.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
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A lad of 13 had to explain how cricket is played and this was his answer: "You have 2 sides, one out in the field and one in.
Each man on the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.
When they are all out the side that's been out in the field comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
Then both sides have been in and out, including not-outs, that's the end of the game".
- Sir Thomas Lund, secretary of Law Society, at Building Societies Institute, Quaglino's, June 10th, 1964.
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One day two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were getting very cold, but when they lit a fire in the kayak it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Q. What kinds of songs do planets like to sing?
A. Nep-tunes!
...
How do aliens keep clean?
They take a meteor shower.
...
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
...
We child-proofed our home 3 years ago but they are still getting in!
...
Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried to do it.
...
You spend the first 2 years of your children's life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and be quiet!
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A little girl opened the front door to her teacher. "Are your parents in?"asked the teacher asked. "They was in, but they is out now."said the little girl. "They was in?!"They is out?! Wheres your grammar?"exclaimed the teacher. "In the front room watching the telly."
Why are aliens good gardeners? They have green fingers!
How can you tell if your cat can count? Ask it 1 minus 1 and see if it says nothing!
Whats smarter than a cat that can count? A spelling bee!
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge! Doctor: Now, now, whats come over you? Patient: 2 cars and a bus!
What happens to an air conditioner when you pull its plug? It loses its cool!
A woman said, "Sometimes I wake up grouchy." And then she added, "But sometimes I let him sleep."
At one point in a debate, Abraham Lincoln was accused by his opponent, Douglas, of being two-faced. "I leave it to my audience," replied the witty Abe Lincoln. "If I had two faces, would I be wearing this one?"
Her idea of a balanced diet is a pizza in each hand - Hal Roach.
How can you tell you are in love? If you can look into her eyes like you look into
her refrigerator, then you are in love.
A Time to Laugh: In William Barclay's daily devotional Daily Celebration, appears
this little story: "There was a little Indian girl at school today," announced my
son proudly. "Does she speak English?" I asked. "No," came the quick reply, "but
it doesn't matter because she laughs in English!"
Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
What keys can't you put in a lock? ========================== Piano keys.
What is broken when you name it? Silence.
John is standing behind Mary, and Mary is standing behind John. How is this possible ?
They are standing back to back.
What is often returned but never borrowed? Thanks.
How would you rearrange the letters in the words "New Door" to make one word? "ONE WORD"
What is it that someone else has to take before you can get it? Your photograph
