James M Sandbrook

Copyright © All rights reserved. Made by James Martin Sandbrook.

Press F5 to reload to see latest changes.
Email.
NZ Blue Light

Abrev. Advice. Camera. Character. Children. Computing. Electronics.  Fitness/Martial Arts. Garden. Health.  Idioms. Jokes.

Kitchen/Cooking. Measure. Mechanics/Machines. Motivation. Movies. Music. People. Plumbing. Poetry. Proverbs. Reviews.

School Education. Skills. Stories. Tips. Tools. Words/Accronyms. Woodwork. Home
    

          

Home

Disclaimer.

How To Play Real Tennis!


We are going to introduce you to the game of tennis, the way it's supposed to be played.

Our aim is to teach you the rules that people all over the world use for "Real Tennis" and not Formal Tennis.


You need at least one player for modern tennis.

This one player needs a ball, a bat or racket, and a wall to play against. They can now (the one player) hit the ball to the wall.

The ball bounces off the wall and then returns back to the player who then hits the ball back into the wall and so on and so on...

Until somebody finally wins the game.

Playing tennis like this will greatly increase your confidence and improve your ability to hit the ball and 'get along' with your opponent. You will find that after a while you will come to know your opponents moves and you will easily anticipate your opponents tricks, but you should always be careful because your opponent could pull-something-out-of-the-bag and surprise you.

This is a real danger and you should practice with your opponent often until you know their every move before you move onto two player tennis.


This may have been the way tennis was first played back in the dark ages when people could play tennis against a cave - the reference to 'dark' comes from the fact that Thomas Edison hadn't been born yet and so the light bulb hadn't been invented so the caves were dark.

It also meant that you couldn't play night-time tennis unless there was a full moon. This started a big craze or fad and you know how cavemen loved clubs, so many tennis clubs appeared everywhere and the noise was so great on tennis night that they later changed from using clubs and went to rackets. And what a racket that was!


You can also play two player tennis, sometimes called "Singles".

With two player tennis each player is on the 'other' side of the net, which means either player is not on the 'same side' of the net, which is of course the opposite side to each other but both facing each other and not the other way. So our player Jane is facing Frank and Frank is facing Jane and this means that they can see each other, hit the ball to one another, etc.


It can easily be imagined that some people have tried to be innovative and both players have played on the same side of the net, this we can assure you is not very productive - unless 'love' is introduced at this time then this could be very productive if the players are of the opposite sex and playing 'singles'.  This sort of 'carry on' should not be encouraged. Married couples would not be impressed and in some cases jealous.


Some players can play in Doubles. Doubles is four tennis players competing at once, two players on each side. This of course is 'Formal Tennis' and not 'Real Tennis'. In real tennis you can have one, two or three or more players, the third player can change from side to side (kind of like sleeping and changing from side-to-side) after a set amount of 'serves' have been played.


'Serves' is a formal tennis word, we in real tennis use such words as:


  1. Slogger
  1. Hit
  2. Smash
  3. Hurl
  4. Whack or wack - depends on if you are Australian or not
  5. Whacko is used if you are a Michael Jackson fan



In order to play real tennis you need the right clothes and equipment.

Of course with the 'right tennis clothes' you will find these clothes can 'rebuild' you.

Tennis retailers have the clothes technology. They have the capability to make the world's first Tennis bionic star..

You will be that man. Better than you were before.

Better . . . stronger . . . faster.

At this point you will hear strange music and you will imagine yourself running at around 60 miles per hour to the tennis club.


Physically you will now be able to play 'faster than a speeding bullet', be more powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall tennis nets in a single bound --- 'Look, up in the sky' 'It's a bird' 'It's a plane' 'It's a Super Tennis Star....' "

People will think you are a strange visitor from another planet called Tenistron.

When people see you, the Caped Crusader, play it will start racket mania, when you hit the ball people will hear, BASH, SOCK, WHAM, BAM, POP, ZLOP and your side-kick (ball boy) Robin will be at your side while you take on villain tennis players from all around the globe.


So you can now see how important it is that you have the right gear.

After you have taken off your tennis gear, had a much needed shower you will then be transformed back into the 'mild mannered' clerk that you have always been.


What you need, and this is what backyard (Real) tennis players all over the world wear, are:




You will need these tools:


This last entry on the list brings up a very important point.



Where to play the game?


Mostly it (the game of tennis) is played on a tennis court but it can also be played anywhere you want to play it (Tennis that is), even your own back yard at home. Grass is fine, clay is better and much more exciting if its wet. Concrete is a tad hard for tennis and tarseal, you know the black stuff that roads are often covered with, is good for tennis.

Even though many people play tennis on tarseal this is no reason to play tennis on the road as playing tennis on the road can seriously have a bad affect on your tennis elbow, arm, head, legs, and torso when a car runs over you.

We suggest that you play tennis in no traffic zones.


You can even "lay" your own grass. Yes that's right, and when you have finished with the grass you can then "roll it up" and put it away for later use. Isn't that amazing!

Technology has already been introduced into real tennis. First the Vacuum Tube which was made of glass (this proved to be a SMASH hit), then the transistor and the integrated circuit have been inserted into the tennis racket and ball to improve the game.

You can now speak directly into your tennis racket and call mother or your bookie while serving. These new improvements have taken a lot of stress off the tennis player.

Even refreshments can be inserted into the ball so the tennis player can be refreshed and not dehydrated while playing, instant vitamins and steroids at a moments notice.


The size of the tennis court doesn't matter, different sizes are a challenge. Small courts (Tennis that is) are much harder to play on than the standard size court (Tennis that is), but a huge court (Yeah I know, Tennis of course) is very exciting to play on, you must be very fit to do this and wow what fun (Gasp, gasp). On a football field you can have twenty players to a side.


Long grass or short grass, this is a real problem for the back yard tennis player. This very real and complex problem can be solved with cunning, simple logic, family and loads of good luck, in other words - If the lawn is mowed then the game (of tennis) can be played on short grass.


If the lawn mower is broken, out of gas or you are just too stuffed from playing way to much tennis then it's better to stick with long grass at least until a family member visits and then you can tell them that your back is playing up and you can get "them" to mow your lawn.

This is a huge advantage to you. When they have finished mowing the lawn you can then challenge them to a game of tennis (you have rested enough and your back is much better, thank you) and they will be stuffed from mowing the lawn and you will (hopefully) win the game (of tennis) and work your way up to the ranking of Family Tennis Champion.


The home game of tennis is as serious as the tennis at Wombleton Common are.

These games amongst friends and family can be very tense and if you are an old loser then past-tense.


A basic rule to always remember is never call out:


You must show the utmost respect for your opponent - or the prettiest girl in the audience, unless of course you are playing against the prettiest girl then you let her win so you can take her out that night. If its a night game then you have really saved some time and money, you don't even have to pay for the date.


Never "show off" while playing, this has a bad affect on the other player and it makes them angry, unless of course the prettiest girl in the audience is impressed by your silly antics, then precede with caution and ask her out later. Unless its a night game of course, then... same as above.


"Night games are tennis games that are played at night-time".


Never drink alcohol before playing ("Hiccup, tennis of course"), but it is fine for your opponent to have "one or two" before the game. To show that you are a 'good sport' you can even pay for these drinks.

And remember 'The more money you put into it, the better chance you have of winning".


There is no need to worry about those rules about 'love' and the like. Here is how the pros play tennis.

When the score is zero all, in other words both players have zero points each, the score is 0-0 or as the formal tennis pros put it "Love All". The reason for this is simple, both players have zero points and so there is no reason to dislike the other player yet so everyone loves each other and all is well.


The first point in formal tennis is called "15", figure that one out. Someone had obviously "had a few" when they made that rule up.

This may come as a big shock to formal tennis players (sit down for this) but in real tennis the first point is "1", yes that's a "one". Then the next point is "2" and so on up to 30.

In real tennis we can count all the way up to 30 form the number 1, we, unlike formal tennis players, watch Sesame Street and Play School.


First serve anywhere in the opponents side, make it a real slogger.

Don't bother with 'breaks' between serves, this is a time waster and only unfit tennis players do  this, real pros play immediately.

This "Love" stuff is for a special type of tennis called "Formal Tennis", the best players don't go for that mushy stuff at all, its one to thirty (1 to 30) for the real tennis master.

An explanation should be included here for those formal tennis players who have never learnt how to play real tennis, but would like to learn.


It goes like this, Grace and Cameron are playing a game (Yes that's "T-E-N-N-I-S").

Grace serves the ball in formal tennis.

In real tennis Grace whacks the ball into the area that Cameron is protecting.

Cameron smacks it (the ball) back to Grace, Grace misses the ball (But don't feel to sad for her, Cameron will make sure the ball comes back to her).

Cameron gets one point (For you formal tennis players what we mean is Cameron is awarded "O-N-E P-O-I-N-T")

A formal tennis player may now think Cameron is in love at this time in the game, this is not so - although something could develop later in the game and this could depend on how many times Cameron is loved during the game and who by).


You must try to keep the 'ball-in-play' for as long as physically possible. In formal tennis some say you cannot hit the ball more than once before it (the ball) goes over the net, in real tennis you can hit the ball as many times as you like.


The tennis ball is a small ball with lots of fluff all over it, this is sheep's wool which is stolen off the sheep while the sheep does slave labour for it's 'owner', the farmer.

The tennis ball is not a person or a living thing so you will not achieve anything by yelling at it or screaming at it when it hits the net, goes under the net or goes out.


Using the tennis ball to hit your opponent in formal tennis is frowned upon, but not so in real tennis.


Always pick your tennis opponent carefully.

Here are some things your tennis opponent should have:


A real tennis player will shave their legs, cut their hair short and wear an old woman's hair net because all these methods can save energy and make the modern day tennis player ergonomackaly and airodynamic. The theory is if these factors are helpful in Formula One car racing then they must be a big 'plus' for the tennis player who plays to win.


And remember those immortal words:


"Winning is the most important thing in the world!"



All the best from

James M Sandbrook.

‎Monday, ‎13 ‎January ‎2003, ‏‎11:04:00 PM

Abrev. Advice. Camera. Character. Children. Computing. Electronics.  Fitness/Martial Arts. Garden. Health.  Idioms. Jokes.

Kitchen/Cooking. Measure. Mechanics/Machines. Motivation. Movies. Music. People. Plumbing. Poetry. Proverbs. Reviews.

School Education. Skills. Stories. Tips. Tools. Words/Accronyms. Woodwork. Home