Shame

James M Sandbrook

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Shame

Often felt after doing something that one feels bad about doing, but before doing it the person felt that it was a good idea.

An example of this is being with a group of people who want to embarrass, hurt, laugh at, play a prank on an old person, a child, a weaker person, a crippled person, and then doing it with the crowd, and while everyone is walking away laughing you get this sudden feeling that what you just did was not the right thing to do, and you look back and see the victim crying or looking sad, and you regret it immediately.

It is not a bad thing to feel shame or guilt, because they are like warnings that we are not behaving or acting as we should do according to our own beliefs, character, values, so the mind is reminding us with these types of feelings that we may be letting other people take us to where we really don’t want to go and to behave as we really don’t want to behave, and feel as we don’t really want to feel.

We tend to stop feeling good about ourselves our life when we get bad feelings about what we have done. making up for it is good, but listening to our feelings is very wise and once the lesson is learned not repeating it again.

Another example is being talked into doing something that you had doubts about but doing it because your lover, spouse, friends, said it was fine and then wanting to be liked, loved, accepted etc, you went in ignoring your own self-doubts, bad feelings. The shame is the afterwards feeling that you got that makes you feel terrible for doing it, but you vow to keep doing it because it pleased the crowd, spouse, lover etc.

Shame is like the feeling of guilt. It is there to remind you that what you did was wrong regardless of what people tell you. Courage is not doing what they tell you to do, and then you will not feel shame, knowing this and standing by your own values and beliefs.

Guilt makes a person feel horrible after doing something that made made that person feel guilty, and guilt is a the horrible feeling (like shame) that you don’t want to feel it again, so it makes you a better person trying to avoid doing things that would make you feel guilty, like hurting an innocent person, or hurting a child.

Once a person feels guilt or shame they should decide not to want to feel that again and do all that he or she can to never do something shameful or what would make them feel guilty ever again.

When a person looks within he or she can feel shame for what they have done as they look at themselves critically. They say that our best critic should be ourselves, so self-evaluation can reveal truths about ourselves that we can change for the better.

Some people can feel shame/guilt for normal things that were imprinted in their minds as children. It really is important to study ourselves, our motives, values, desires etc, but do it on our own terms and not how others tell us to be think etc. Although if we admire strong willed people we can get advice off them and use that advice in our own lives for inner-strength and good character.

One should be aware that when society becomes less ashamed of the things that are commonly done but you feel shame or ashamed or guilty, then it is wise to follow your own feelings, values, ideals and the like, and not what society depicts as your truth.

An example I suffered as a boy was naturally crying in front of other children when I was hurt and them teasing me and laughing at me for “being a baby” or “a girl”, or “weak”, “a sissy”, and then in fear of being ridiculed trying to harden myself so that I felt shame no more - but this shame is inflicted on me by others.

I knew that I had to stop crying any more, or I would face the ridicule and shameful feelings that others, my peers gave me, and they were my judge of character, my jury and executioners.

If I was foolish enough to cry in front of them it was a surefire fact that I was going to pay big for it.

If I cried in front of some adults they made me feel weak and ashamed for doing so.

These are examples of toxic shame. Sadly, people can harden our hearts and make us feel bad about our natural expressing of our own emotions at times when we feel that we should.

When we grow up we are “hardened” and have trouble expressing emotions and expressing kindness, compassion and love to others. Bullying can make us apathetic.

If a person falls over their friends with them can chant, “Shame! You are an embarrassment” and all laugh instead of helping you up. While this is a childish reaction to an innocent accident the person who fell over can feel sad because he or she got hurt, it was a mistake, and inside they are trying to logically try to figure out why they are being laughed at when genuinely hurt and possibly even crying. The sad part, is to fit in, and they see another of their group get hurt in the same situation they will join in and chant “Shame!” as well. It is illogical to feel ashamed or embarrassed when you fall over, trip, make a mistake or have an accident.

Adult predators can make a child feel unashamed of shameful doings, because the child has not yet formed its own values, beliefs, and has little arguments or control over what they are told or what is done to them.

Children and teenagers are easier for bad people to groom because they are still basically forming their boundaries and protective walls in their minds at this stage, so the adults talk them into believing that doing bad things is good for them, fun and the like. The child mind is no match for such persuasive attacks on their innocent minds. When these young people grow up into adults they feel no shame about what they should feel sad and ashamed of, and they do this because shameful acts have become their normal behaviours.

A person can feel that he or she is to blame for something that they struggle with, such as at school.

This person can see the other members of the class easily do the required task but he or she struggles with it, and it is especially bad if the child is struggling while the impatient teacher and class are waiting for this one child to catch up with them. The pressure can amplify the struggles of the child trying to catch up, confuse the child and cause the child to make mistakes, increasing the impatience of the others and accelerating the shame felt by the struggling child.

When shame is triggered in this type of instance the child’s mind-processing is disrupted and the original mental struggle to achieve in this and now in other areas’ of the child's life becomes common. The child can struggle more and more, and especially more if outcast by others for not being what they are.

The desire to do tasks that embarrass or shame a person becomes less (people don’t want to do what embarrasses them, make them feel weak, ashamed, hopeless) until it dissolves and the child no longer succeeds in many areas of his or her life., and is sometimes seen as a failure, hopeless and unable to cope with simple school or life tasks.

The cognitive processing disrupted and learning becomes a struggle, and the feelings of being “not right” like the other children, the child compares their failure with the other children's success and feels incapable of fitting and can give up trying, especially when adults join in and only see failure and an inability to cope.

Shame can also be a weapon in our favour. For example, a person can suggest that we do something shameful and we instantly fear the feeling of shame that would hit us if we did it and we would stay strongly, “Oh, I could never do that. I would feel so disgusted in myself and ashamed afterwards.”

And this person would walk away feeling good that they know how ashamed and bad they would feel about themselves doing something like that, and be very happy that they didn’t take up the offer.

All the best from

James M Sandbrook.

2nd of February, 2021.

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