We are all in stages of Development.

In days of the past a photo had to go through many stages before it was a photo in your hand.

First it started as an idea in the person's mind, then the camera was aimed, the shutter was clicked, then the photo film sent away for Developing. Then it was introduced to certain chemicals in order, then it appeared as an image on photograph paper, and sent back to the photographer.

The female or male brought up in a criminal home, for years is active in their parents and friends criminal activities, and then one day decides with tears and wonder why they ever were a criminal and never does illegal activities again.

The woman with the narcissist, she finally realizes that for years he was cruel and mean, but she never saw it, because she was looking for something in him that was not there or that he refused to let out of him, love.

Many people today are living in homes where the parents are earning money most of the time, so the time of actual parenting is far smaller than in the past, and because of this children get far less parental advice that was given freely in the past.

Without that parental help, or only getting a part of parental help, or we had narcissist parents, we grow up with far less common sense, logic and this makes us sitting ducks for mistakes, failures, divorce, and so on.

You may have the nicest parents on Earth, but if they both worked then you missed out of a lot of good advice that was there for the taking, but your parents were not there they were working.

Sometimes it is very obvious that people are struggling because they had narcissist parents, or very selfish parents, but mention it to the children when they are adults and they become very offended and angry.

The other parents, the ones who were good, but always working, have no idea that their children's needs are not being met because they are always told that money supplies what children need, so if the parents are both always working then that is showing love and supplying their children needs, when in reality it is the opposite

No one is blaming anyone, the fault lies decades back.

But if we adults of today realize that we didn’t get a lot of the advice, help, Life Lessons and such that we needed then we can stop blaming ourselves for “not knowing” stuff and find out how to become wiser and more in control of ourselves and our lives.

We just need to realize that our Life learning Lesson were not Sufficient enough for us to grow, mature and bloom.

The alcoholic cannot be cured and the drug addict until they know (admit and face) that they are an alcoholic or drug addict.

The children who are the adults of today cannot fix and repair and grow within until they realize that modern society sells us short and we don’t get the Life Learning and Life Lessons that we needed, so we stumbled, didn’t know a lot, and all this struggling made us think that it was ourselves that was the problem.

For those who realize this, don’t blame, but want to learn, we need to see ourselves as adults that are somewhat lacking in wisdom, knowledge and lacking in maturity.

We come to this conclusion by knowing that we can look back and see the many things that we failed at but thought that we shouldn’t have failed, and can ask ourselves “Why didn’t I know this?”

Or “Why was my marriage a failure, I should have known not to choose such a bad person?”

In the past the female and male were taught by parents the value of good marriage, good relationships, and looking at the whole character of the person we thought was a worthy candidate while also wanting someone who would stand with us through life's good and bad times, while also being our best friend, and a good decent kind caring parent. I might add here, that my parents taught me none of this.

When I got married my confidence was so low I was grateful to get anyone. I saw none of her narcissism, none of her failure to be a good mother, none of her personal character issues, all I saw was someone who said that she wanted me. If I had been pre-warned I would have avoided years of misery, suffering, and shame. This society, the Materialistic world, it does not prepare us, warn us, educate us in Life Issues, and so we fail.

If I had been guided while younger to look for the red herrings, the warning, the things that were part of a bad character, what the signs of a bad mother were, what the signs of a narcissist was, all such things, then I would have been pre-warned. What parenting today is lacking the setting up the mind of the child so that when the child becomes a young adults that he or she is mentally knowledgeable and wise about love, the opposite gender, what to look for and what to walk away from.

Please be aware, without blaming anyone, that your upbringing in such modern times was lacking, and in that your mistakes were not yours but from what you didn’t know, were not prepared for, and like me you stumbled in and tripped and fell.

Imagine the man given a computer and he had never used one before and he was told to use it.

He would fail over and over again, make many mistakes, curse himself for being so stupid, for not knowing what others new, for being so clumsy and so on. Sound familiar?

This man is unprepared for using a computer so he struggles, gets frustrated, angry and then finally self blames, he finally comes to the conclusion that the problems that he is having is because he is an idiot.

In time he learns how to use the computer though trial and error (as we do in life) but know he carries those negative thoughts with him from job to job, marriage to marriage, because he now assumes that he is to blame as an idiot everytime he struggles with something.

You can’t be blamed for things that you didn’t know and were not mentally prepared for.

We are so many years into Materialism that it has been bred into people for decades and old teachings, old parenting ways that worked since the beginning of time are gone, forgotten, while people stumble about with an education but very little Life Wisdom and Practically no Life Education.

Since you were not mentally prepared you cannot be blamed for the past.

The hard things in life do teach us what is not good for us, what is good, what is better, and what we should have wanted years ago, and also shows us how true, untrue, dishonest and good the people we have known for so long are.

Time is the teacher we get when parental teaching was not really there for us.

Without parental love, Life Lessons, Care, we grow up shallow, in need, struggling and unprepared.

Because we were not prepared for life as we should have been, we are late starters in life.
Instead of being strong willed confident courageous 18 year olds we are still struggling in our thirties, and many people never gain maturity, wisdom and knowledge, they have addictions, immorality, they seek escapism from the life they have found to be mental torture, they stay like this until they die.

Some, who feel heartaches, fear being controlled, fear showing compassion and love, they become narcissists and manipulators, they seek to control and hurt because they fear genuine relationships because of past hurts.

You choose your future, now as an adult.

All the best from

James M Sandbrook.

2nd of April, 2021.